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Torisen

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Reg: Jan 1st 2006

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Friday, June 30th 2006, 8:49am

Doula or not

I have spoken to a few doulas, met up with one who lives 15 minutes away from me and near the hospital I am going to.
She is very sweet and has got a similar background to my DP so he felt quite happy with that.

DP is extremely sweet and loving, cooks me breakfast every morning I have an early start even if he doesn't have to get up (at 5 in the morning that counts). He will buy me treats (the way to my heart goes through my stomache). When we did not live together and I had late nights he would drive by and put food that he knew I would love in my fridge.
He is just the sweetest and most caring person in the world...

...but he is no Florence Nightingale!!!!!!!!!!!
He is the worst person at massages or anything that has got to do anything with diseases...
He hates eating in bed etc.
So what the .... will happen at birth?

I think a doula might be a great help for him, more than for me. Do I go with this idea to make him have a more pleasurable birthing experience?
I think that the doula will be fab when we are still at home, she will help me to know when it is time to go into hospital etc...
I am a solitary person. My ideal holiday is being stuck somewhere out in nowhere either all by myself or with DP. Can I kick the doula out at any point without hurting anybodys feelings? How does it work?

Is it better to make the choice to have her there and then be able to not have her than to say no and not have the option when it is all happening?

The only person I truly want at birth is DP. He is the only one I would ever want to do anything with. He makes me feel so safe and I am not sure that I would feel safe with anybody else. I know that he would still be there so I guess she could rub my feet whilst I make out with him!!
(it is like cats, even cats run over by cars can purr when they are distressed, I am the same with kissing!)

I should make up my mind soon to be sure that she is still free...
She will see me a couple of times pre birth and then after... It could be good with BF etc...

Does anybody have any experience or thoughts??
ICSI Jan 2006 - BFP
MC one twin at 6 weeks
DS born in Oct 2006
BF DS 10 months 3 weeks and 5 days
FET 11/07, ICSI 12/07 (ABANDONED), ICSI 2/08, IUI 5/08 - BFN
Clomid IUI 7/08 BFP MC a twin... again :(


Rivka

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Friday, June 30th 2006, 3:07pm

We went through exactly the questioning as you about the doula and in the end decided against her.i weanted as few peopleas poss presentand dh is very attentive anyway. i'm sure however that you could kick her out at any time if you did hire her.







mrsjasper

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Friday, June 30th 2006, 3:20pm

Wella, my DP is also useless at medical things. He nearly passed out when I had blood taken at the hospital. I'm having him and his mum present at the birth, that way if he can't cope, she can look after me and he can pop in and out of the room as he wants. I really think he may suprise me though. I know loads of women who's hubbys were expected to be unconcious but were actually really good and got involved, even cutting the cord (I don't think I expect DH to do that, that really would freak him out!). I think he'll suprise even himself. After all its his child coming into the world, he will probably get so wrapped up in the excitement that he forgets to be squeemish.

I think a Doulas role is to look after the mother, not the father so employing one to look after your DP may not work out. Bells is planning to be a Doula, so it will be interesting to hear what she has to say.





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Friday, June 30th 2006, 5:19pm

If I could have afforded one I would have had one I think. I would rather have had someone who I didn't know there to support us (although you obviously get to know her beforehand) than someone I did know, as I think this may disempower dh.

I have a good friend who is one, but lives too far away (Oxford) if anyone is interested.

I may get a doula to help me write a birthplan.

x
PCOS. Ovarian drilling October 2005
Amazing BFP January 2006!!!!!!!!!!
2nd BFP natural!!!! - due Dec 2008!


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Friday, June 30th 2006, 6:10pm

Wella hon...why dont you send DP on a massage course...then he can be your doula too........apart from the massage you know he'll be a fab support and then it'll just be special between you like you want!!

You know I thought about it..but I just want darling gorgeous boy there..tho I do have one friend I would love to be there but shes too far away.

Personally with midwives and consultant I dont really want any more 'aqaintance level' people there....just special, calm supportive ones who intrinsically know what i want and need and there are few people in this world that can fit that bill for me.....2 that I know of and one will def be there!!!




Bells

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Friday, June 30th 2006, 11:11pm

Hullo :D ...I feel a ramble coming over me ........ :D

I really can see the plus side to having a doula, not just because it's a career path that interests me but because I've experienced birth both without and with female support and personally feel that the silent support of a female made my experiences better.

First let me remind you that my children have different fathers ( :O ) and so both of my births were new experiences for my husbands. I have talked through the experiences with both of them and they have made it clear that there were some pretty scary times.

In hospital there were machines beeping, people running about and my husband was sat in the corner watching the goings on.I hadn't wanted another person there with us, seeing it as an intensley personal experience for us both and feeling that the inclusion of another person would have spoilt the intimacy that we were hoping for. He had no support and at one point was in tears when he didn't know what was going on.

Second time around I had my sis with us. Of course she is a midwife so my hubby had confidence in her but the fact that she was a woman and furthermore, a woman who had experienced childbirth and seen childbirth first hand made him more relaxed. Talking to him afterwards he says that he didn't panic because 'she' didn't panic. There were times when he looked worried, he looked at her.. she smiled, winked or nodded and he was fine again.

For you Mums out there that already have your babies, imagine yourselves in a situation where you are with a woman having a baby. You know every sensation she is feeling don't you? You understand her writhing around and making gutteral noises. You can smile, nod and think "yes, I identify with that!". You understand more that a lady who has not been through it and you understand more than a man can ever do because you can empathise with the feelings and can say "yes, that's normal".

If you have a husband/partner who isn't confident about birth (and let's face it.... that's most of them!) then I do think that a doula or another female birth attendant who has already experienced natural childbirth first hand, can be a positive and calming presence. I say 'natural childbirth' because a person who has been through natural childbirth is more likely to see the positive side of birth and is more likely to have felt and experienced the urge to move and push freely, therefore recognising the signs of a normal and healthy birth.

If I had another baby (which I won't) I wouldn't hesitate in having a female birth partner with me. If I didn't have my sister I would hire a doula because I felt that my positive birth experience was down to having another female with me.



Slightly off topic here but another example I'm not 'bigging myself up' here so please don't think that..... Last Sunday I went to a horse show. I was watching the ring when right in front of me.... ten feet away, a girl fell off her HUGE hunter and I watched as she fell off and was kicked in the stomach and had her chest stood on. I ran over and the girl was on her side with blood trickling out of her nose. Her Mum ran over and was crying over her, her friend was shouting 'don't move her' in panic.... the girl was white.... sweating ..... frightened and finding it difficult to breath.

I had some first aid training years ago and I reassured the girl that she had been winded and that was why she was finding it diffucult to breath, found out her name, checked her eyes, her breathing and talked to her. Her Mum was beside herself and her friend had lost the plot. We waited for the Ambulance and I found that people were looking to me to see that the girl was alright ?( Why? that's the important bit I think and the reason why this is relevant ...... because I suppose that I was calm and 'seemed' to know what I was doing. I had enough training to be able to understand what was going on and I was distanced enough to be able to concentrate on the medical side of things without becoming upset at the scenario.

Although it was a girl who had fallen off her horse, the principal was the same for her family who were worried about all the possible things that could have gone wrong. They needed someone to look to for reassurance and I guess that person was me. I did what my sister did for me when I was in childbirth and what a doula does for couples who are going through the scary thing that is childbirth. That's why I feel that doulas are worthwhile for Mums to be but almost importantly for Dads to be. To support us the people around us need to be comfortable in their role and I believe that a birth attendant, be that a mother, sister or doula, can make a huge difference.





Missy

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Saturday, July 1st 2006, 8:17am

Bells, thats exactly why I didn't want my mum in the delivery suite with me, she tends to go into panic mode if I cut my knee so god knows what she's be like with me in labour!!! :D

xxx








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Torisen

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  • "Torisen" started this thread

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Reg: Jan 1st 2006

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Saturday, July 1st 2006, 9:11am

Doula it is then!

Will sign the contract today :)
ICSI Jan 2006 - BFP
MC one twin at 6 weeks
DS born in Oct 2006
BF DS 10 months 3 weeks and 5 days
FET 11/07, ICSI 12/07 (ABANDONED), ICSI 2/08, IUI 5/08 - BFN
Clomid IUI 7/08 BFP MC a twin... again :(


mrsjasper

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Sunday, July 2nd 2006, 8:26am

Bells, you're fantastic. I'm lucky that I have MIL who can be perfectly calm in a crisis and will look after both me and DH, if not you've sold the idea of a doula to me!





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Monday, July 3rd 2006, 10:07am

My mother will just tell me to be strong and stop my wingeing....that its not hurting....actually she told me to opt for an elective!!

MIL....well she'd just cry


Will stick to my DH...he's always a tower of strength and extremelly calm and loving tho would also love my mate to be there...also strong, calm and extremelyl level headed AND has had a son so has experience.

Im sure though that my midwife/wives and doc will be fab







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