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  • "KASSI" started this thread

Posts: 161

Reg: Apr 14th 2008

Location: Highlands, Scotland

Children: 1 on the way Yiphee!

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1

Wednesday, February 18th 2009, 11:01am

Has anyone got a DH like this?

O.k I need advice!

My dh has TOTALLY changed since I got pregnant! We used to have sex (sorry for the TMI) all the time and also we really cuddly/kissy with each other. The first 9 weeks of pregnancy was a nightmare I had blood surrounding the sack and I constantly thought I was m/c fortunetly everything turned out fine and my pregnancy has so far been fine! But my DH hardly comes near me now we have only had sex once since about last Aug, he says he is too scared somehting will go wrong! I've tried to explaine that I'm sure its healthy now and again and it wouldnt harm our baby. I thought maybe after our 20 week scan he would settle down but he hasn't. We don't even kiss or cuddle anymore and I have tried asking him why but hes a typical bloke never speaks bottles everything up. But this is now starting to seriously get me down and I feel it is starting to ruin my pregnancy.

I'm just wondering if anyones DH has acting like this I'm at my wits end! I don't know what else to do???

Hope everyones well?

mrs_smiff

Superstar

Posts: 5,387

Reg: Jan 10th 2007

Location: Somerset

Children: 5 kids aged 21,18,14,13 and a little miracle born April 09

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2

Wednesday, February 18th 2009, 11:48am

Kassi I am on a sex embargo too. In fact there is an affection embargo in our house. DH hasn't been near me since we last had sex (initiated by me) at 12 weeks. The next time I suggested to him I was up for it he replied with 'Urgh yuk I don't think so, not now'. Made me feel like I was some repulsive creature to be avoided at all costs. I even explained to him that if he was worried about the baby being in there he needn't be, cos he wouldn't be anywhere near him, but to no avail.

We don't kiss or cuddle any more, we don't even share a bed cos he would rather be up till all hours playing stupid computer games and was waking me up in the early hours of the morning when he came up, or would demand that I leave the bedside light on so he could find his way to bed. So I de-camped to the spare room, and quite rankly I am considering staying there after the baby is born too. His attitude has really hurt me, and I don't think he has any clue how awful it makes me feel. Quite frankly, I have totally gone off him now as he isn't the man he was before, and he wonders why I am so miserable all the time!

I feel like an unloveable monster thanks to him, and I'm not sure we will ever recover from this. I feel like I am just a baby incubator for him.

I can really understand how you feel right now. It's an awful position to be in, and being told it's very common doesn't help. I hope you manage to get past it with your DH though, I'm not sure I will ever be able to.
Me 35,DH 36 (Severe Oligospermia.).
4th ICSI :BFP:
I have 4 lovely big kids
Thomas Derren (Thom) July 1990
Luke Benjamin August 1993
Harley John Oliver June 1997
Alexandria Aimee Jay (Alex) July 1998
Lochlan Cassius James April 2009 (4th attempt at ICSI)



Caz

Ace

Posts: 381

Reg: Aug 17th 2008

Location: St Albans

Children: 2 perfect boys, Thomas & James

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3

Wednesday, February 18th 2009, 1:28pm

Hi Kassi,

I don't have first hand experience of this but I know my sister suffered the same issues so I thought I'd tell her story just in case it's of any help.

She felt frustrated, alone and rejected just as mrs smiff describes which obviously leads to anger. The pregnancy continued in this way and her first beautiful daughter was born but the experience had definitely left her jaded and with bad memories of pregnancy.

Not long after that her DH started talking about having another which is when she had a heart to heart with him about how the pregnancy (or more to the point his reaction to it) had made her feel. He explained that he just found it too odd, depsite all info to the contrary he couldn't get away from the feeling that the baby was in their and he shouldn't be poking about. He had withdrawn from all touchy/feely stuff as in his mind it was all linked.

I won't say the 2nd pregnancy was a lot better but they understood each other and tried a bit harder with less physical ways to show they cared. I know it'll be different in each case and mrs smiff certainly sounds like she's in a tough situation but I guess my sister's advice in hindsight would be to have honest conversations about it.

Good luck.
IVF/ICSI Aug 08 :BFP: - Thomas born 26/04/09 baby2
FET Aug 10 :BFP: - James born 18/04/11 baby7

  • "KASSI" started this thread

Posts: 161

Reg: Apr 14th 2008

Location: Highlands, Scotland

Children: 1 on the way Yiphee!

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4

Wednesday, February 18th 2009, 1:52pm

Thanks for the reply's!

I am just really starting to resent him for it! I think what you have both said makes lots of sense and Caz what you said about it all being connected in his mind I think yes this is happening. But you would honestly think after all the treatment failing and we are so lucky to have a baby on the way that we have stuck another major problem! Its not really the sex its the no affection completly that I miss. And I worry with the stress of a new baby will it ever return. We seem to be arguing alot too and I think its all connected. I've tried talking to him but nothing its the weridest thing and its not like I'm a monster either I have just went up to a size 12 in jeans I'm usually a 10-8 so its not like I've like put on heeps on weight and got all spotty my skina and hair is better than ever but like I say this is the only part of this pregnancy that is runined and I feel upset by it all. The reson we had to go for treatment was because of him I had to change my whole life for the ICSI to work now I'm pregnant and we have this to deal with. I just think its so selfish of him!

Mrs Smiff isn't it a nightmare after everything you've been through to go through this why do think they can get away with treating us like this think I might go home and chuck a plate or somthing HA

verve19

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    United Kingdom

Posts: 1,022

Thanks: 4 / 18

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5

Wednesday, February 18th 2009, 4:04pm

Hello!
I am the same as you, no naughtiness since AUGUST. But in our case we have both said No. I am used to it now!

Posts: 493

Reg: May 20th 2007

Location: London

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6

Wednesday, February 18th 2009, 4:05pm

My dh and i are really close but despite this we haven't had sex since an attempt at 10 weeks ended in some bleeding and a trip to the hospital (thankfully all was fine).
My dh won't contemplate it now until after it's born, says 'we'd never forgive ourselves if something happened', he's also in the spare room ,as i've been unable to sleep properly for weeks, so at least he gets some sleep. I worry that this may affect our relationship, i just hope that after our son is born we're able to get back on track and i don't have any issues due to the birth etc.. I can see us never having sex again -OMG :bawl:
Just keep communicating if you can, we laugh about it together :snigger:

It seems this is more common than we ladies let on...

Rainy

Star

Posts: 1,240

Reg: May 31st 2008

Location: Berkshire

Children: DS aged 18yr

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7

Wednesday, February 18th 2009, 4:23pm

Whilst in the waiting room at my clinic the other day I came across an article in the times (I think) about how some men go off sex after seeing their wives give birth...apparently some men are traumatised by the expereince, especially if there have been touch and go situations and seeing their wife in pain.

I can understand why some men would go of sex during pregnancy...well they havenot gone of sex they are generally afriad to hurt you or the baby, they just cant relax....but there are other things do other than intercourse.

As for rejection of cuddles and kisses....again in their mind it could just be that, that to them means the prelude to intercourse....it might not mean that to us....but it does to them.......they are men remember.

I think its so important to talk about these issues, get out the house togeather, go for dinner or some place pretty and quiet and just have a frank honest chat about it.

I'd ask first why they do not want to cuddle or have sex...let them finish their sentances as well..dont butt in :D

Then I explain how their reaction makes you feel....and come to an agreement that ok if he doesnt want to have sex lets just atleast have cuddles and kisses.

And if you are angry try not to show it. that way it wont make their gaurds go up so much.

I think whenever our DH's makes us angry or do something to upset us we can all think things like RIGHT YOU CAN JUST SOD OFF :riv: and your not the man I thought you were :riv3:........but when we make up and get over the problem we dont think that anymore.

Lifes to short , so lets try to keep it sweet..our families are precious.

hope thats of use!

all the best to you both
xxxxxxxxx



SEPT 08 1st IVF try cancelled due to cyst and failed D/R ?(
FEB 09 2nd IVF try BFN ; 2 embies( (slow responder)
Trying to save for another attempt
Latest FSH 9.2 yipee!
"Maybe One day I to will have a doppler"

This post has been edited 1 times, last edit by "Rainy" (Feb 18th 2009, 4:24pm)


Posts: 512

Reg: Aug 24th 2008

Children: 2 daughters

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8

Wednesday, February 18th 2009, 8:17pm

heyy Kassi,

I am experiening something similar. We have only had sex once since i got pregnant. I think dp is worried about hurting the baby! We still cuddle but he stays away from my belly which is weird. He doesnt like touching it when she kicks because he says it feels weird! This made me sad at first because i thought he would feel the same connection to our baby as me but i have read that this can be quite normal. It annoyed me too because we had fertility issues and i wanted him to be thankful everyday like i am for our little miracle but i think this is a normal reaction. Once our baby arrives i hope he will feel what im feeling now. Also, I dont know about ur dp but mine likes his routine and is not so keen on change so i think i have to appreciate that he just needs to get used to the idea especially since our dr had said we'd probably need fertility treatment to conceive so this is all happening so quickly for him. x
DH poor motility-Excellent SA following change in diet
BFP:26.09.08

Posts: 429

Reg: Nov 3rd 2008

Location: Auckland, NZ

Children: Mum to Cody Charles

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9

Wednesday, February 18th 2009, 8:22pm

I know I'm only at 14 weeks, and it may get totally different in future and things regress, but I had similar issues in the first three months. My DH was really hesitant after I had 2 weeks of bleeding early on (weeks 5-7), and wanted to veto sex, even scared organsms alone might start contractions and wreck things! I really had to talk him around with lots of reassurance, saying I would be in there sorting things out myself with or without him in any case and promising we could be really careful (no usual banging away etc - sorry TMI!) and stop if I felt anything odd going on, til he got more relaxed and realised he wasn't going to hurt anything!

I did have to overtly molest him a few times, being VERY forward, to get him to a point where other feelings took over and he stopped *thinking* so much (again sorry TMI!) :-) I started just by focusing on him absent any possibility of having to actually have sex with me... to kick start a change in his mind and get his interest up again, start thinking of me in association with *sexy things* again!

I think alot of it is stress related, he still regularly goes through times when he is really distant, hes usually also not sleeping well at those times or hes trying to immerse himself in things to avoid dealing with it (i.e. also camping out on his computer avoiding me). I now know it indicates hes worryng about everything and obsessing... about his job and effects on our income, all the stuff we have to buy, doing up the spare room, the next scan... computer = hiding from it. If hes really stressed hes just ot in the mood, but thats always been the case, pregnancy just seems to = stress for him!

Hes been alot more work than I anticipated!
Don't know if this helps but it worked for me at least for now.
IVF/ISCI Nov08 BFP Cody born 8/09
FET-Oct & Dec10 BFN
IVF/ICSIJun11 BFP

JOEED

Star

    United Kingdom

Posts: 1,484

Reg: May 28th 2008

Location: Wakefield/Leeds

Children: 1 IVF ICSI

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10

Wednesday, February 18th 2009, 8:59pm

I m so glad its not just us !!

To be honest it was not too much of a problem not having sex in the 1st 12 weeks as I really did nt feel like it plus a bleed at 6 weeks.

Anyway I had the chat with my DP with regards to how he feels about it & his reply was that it did nt feel right having sex knowing that our baby was inside, he said it was like we were being watched by our child :snigger: also scared that he would hurt me or the baby ???.

Anyway my solution was to put down some rules that we did everything else but intercouse & that did the trick. TMI but found that a orgasam was not very nice to start with :O I put this down to it all stretching inside not very comfortable, but that goes away the further you get along.

Just keep talking to your men I never felt regected as I though it was sweet that he thought he would hurt me or the baby surly that only shows that they care ??

I m almost positive if you sort of ban intercourse it takes the pressure of them then they want it !!! they always want what they car nt have :snigger:


ME 36, DP 46
1st IVF Cycle (ICSI) MAY 08
EC MAY 08 OHSS full frozen cycle 16 frosties
1st FET 16 Oct 08 2 Embies's 11 frosties left
1 little boy born 26/06/2009

This post has been edited 1 times, last edit by "JOEED" (Feb 18th 2009, 9:02pm)


Posts: 1,099

Reg: Oct 26th 2007

Location: Surrey

Children: One very beautiful daughter!

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11

Wednesday, February 18th 2009, 9:02pm

No sex for me either. DH was so scared to come near me in the first 12 weeks in case it caused a miscarriage. Now he just seems to have some sort of a mental block about sex. We still cuddle, but there is no sexual type contact whatsoever.

I have asked him if it is because he finds me unattractive, and he says it is not that at all. From what I gather, it freaks him out a bit to think that there is a baby in there and he is going to poke it and that things are just a little bit different.

I know it doesn't help, but know that you are not alone and I think this is one thing that is just really, truly hard to understand.

ICSI March 2008 BFP, then early m/c, Natural BFP May 2008, m/c at 6 weeks
Natural :BFP: 08/08/08!!!



mrs_smiff

Superstar

Posts: 5,387

Reg: Jan 10th 2007

Location: Somerset

Children: 5 kids aged 21,18,14,13 and a little miracle born April 09

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12

Wednesday, February 18th 2009, 9:50pm

I wouldn't mind if it was just the lack of sexual interest in me, but he doesn't come near me for anything. He sits in his study playing his stoopid computer games all day and night, barely speaks, blames my hormones for absolutely everything (I think I am even responsible for the recession, so sorry for that folks). I have got to the point now where I just can't be bothered with him and he can do what he wants. Sad isn't it. I have no doubt that I am going to end up on my own sometime in the near future, and I haven't got the energy or inclination to fight it any more!

I hope all you suffering the same manage to get things sorted out before it gets to the terminal point that my situation has!
Me 35,DH 36 (Severe Oligospermia.).
4th ICSI :BFP:
I have 4 lovely big kids
Thomas Derren (Thom) July 1990
Luke Benjamin August 1993
Harley John Oliver June 1997
Alexandria Aimee Jay (Alex) July 1998
Lochlan Cassius James April 2009 (4th attempt at ICSI)



Ginger74

Superstar

    Germany

Posts: 5,663

Reg: Aug 7th 2008

Location: Europe

Children: It's a girl!

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13

Friday, February 20th 2009, 9:04am

oh Smiffy, I am so sorry, your last post made me so sad, I am so sorry dear... maybe he will re think something? but if not, it's too hard and takes too much of YOUR energy try to change things... you need to start to think about yourself and take care of yourself... maybe he will feel better when baby is born? who knows... wish you all the luck in the world sorting this... million :hugs: to you dear

Feb 09 God's Miracle - Natural BFP.
Sept 09 Thanks to God - Scrumptious baby girl is here. Please grow healthy and happy.

WM2308

Newbie

Posts: 23

Reg: Dec 3rd 2008

Location: Sheffield

Children: CARE, Sheff

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14

Friday, February 20th 2009, 10:57am

It's a very difficult time for all concerned. It's very east to get stuck in a so called rut in times like these. In that I mean the first time he went on the computer you probably wouldn't have noticed, maybe the second time the same, until it eventually becomes the everyday routine. I know because we went through it - by "we" I mean my wife and me. This was before we started on the IVF route. We used to have 2 TV's in the house which we spent time watching different things, either that or I would be on the computer. It wasn't because we didn't love each other, it just became a routine.

In the end we split up for a month or so until it made us realise we both didn't want to be apart. We moved house (i'm not suggesting thats something you do :smile:) and ended up getting a puppy so we had something we could both focus on together and have in common. I am a sporty type and my wife is more arty so in terms of activities we don't tend to enjoy the same things all the time. I never thought I'd enjoy having a dog but it has been the most amazing experience and to think that we are now going to have twins makes our life together all that more complete. We enjoy walks together now, and we're lucky to be living in one of the nicest areas for walking. We don't always spend all our time together in the house, but we have now got one TV so we have to fight over what we watch :snigger: but at least we're now in the same room.

I'm sure that because your husband is on the computer doesn't mean he doesn't love you, it's because it's become a routine for you both, but it's not too late to change that. Maybe take an interest in his computer games, or leave this thread open on the screen for him to read, and then maybe talk about it, but don't give up. You're not the first and most definitely won't be the last to have these issues.

I know that our problems weren't necessarily because of becoming pregnant, but they were at the time of when we were trying all the time to conceive and that caused a lot of stress.

Sorry it's such a long winded response and probably doesn't even touch on the areas you want it too, but wanted to try and offer an opinion from the DarkSide. :smile:

Posts: 165

Reg: Jul 3rd 2007

Location: South West

Children: on way :)

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15

Friday, February 20th 2009, 7:28pm

So interesting to get a mans point of view, i identify with lots that has been said on this thread, lack of physical contact (since last Aug) and he's not into feeling the baby kicking either which really upset me as we've been trying for this for so long. I feel bad moaning when generally i am so HAPPY to be at this stage!
Hopefully things will improve when i am not growing a person :)
Sx

36 yrs
1 yr clomid
ICSI July 06 - BFP, m/c 5 weeks
FET March 07 - BFN
ICSI July 07 - BFN
IVF Nov 07 - BFP, m/c 5 weeks
ICSI April 08 - BFP, m/c 5 weeks
ICSI Sept 08 with steroids - BFP, saw heartbeat at 5 weeks!
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