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kate1981

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  • "kate1981" started this thread
  • United Kingdom

Posts: 57

Reg: Jan 25th 2013

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Tuesday, January 29th 2013, 4:11pm

Feeling inadequate

Hi,

Not sure that feeling inadequate should go in the 'general fertility' category but hey I wasn't sure where it should go. I've just read a post by another lady on here and it inspired me to write about my own disappointments and the challenges I faced when TTC was no longer an option for me. Whilst the other lady's experience was differed somewhat from mine I could identify with the unworthy/undeserving feelings that she described feeling when being told she would not be able to have her own children.
Unless you've been dealt a cruel hand like that you cannot imagine what it feels like. I can only speak for myself and remember feeling suicidal when I had my last ectopic and lost my second tube. I would rather have been dead than face a whole life without the possibility of children. I knew then that there was no way I would conceive naturally and that in order to have a child of my own I would have to climb an enormous mountain. It took me a considerable amount of time to get over this period of my life, I believe that I had some sort of breakdown. I ended up on anti depressants and lost all interest in things that I used to enjoy.
Until recently I felt it was okay if I didn't have children. I'd got to a place of acceptance and knew that I would want to attempt IVF at some point in my 30's but wasn't sure when exactly. I also felt that if it didn't work it was no big deal, it wasn't like I had lost any part of myself or my life would change in any drastic way. However, the further I've got down the IVF road the more important its felt. Its stirred up all sorts of feelings such as being a bit obsessed (e.g wanting to know what my IVF chance is. For this I bought an app on my phone!). My head knows what will be will be, its just hard getting my heart to match up!
The feeling I am struggling most with is that of feeling like a failure. I'm dreading having to tell people that it hasn't worked which is why I've tried to appear like I don't mind. Its egg cllection day for me tomorrow. Fingers crossed there will be lots of little beauties ready to make a baby...

MissyK

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Posts: 18

Reg: Jan 29th 2013

Location: Northern Ireland

Children: none

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Tuesday, January 29th 2013, 4:47pm

Hi Kate
Really sorry to hear about your journey. It's so tough all this stuff - the journey of will it or won't it happen. And the obsession is totally normal - well at least for the females it is :) Btw what was the app you bought I might check it out too : D

I'm about to start first IVF round soon, quite scared about it all but just got to keep believing it'll all work out fine.

Sending lots of positive thoughts that your egg collection will work out tomorrow.

K xox
MissyK

MC on 16th April 2012 @ 6 weeks

1st IVF treatment at RVH: EC @ 19th March & 5 day transfer @ 24th March 2013

Curlytails

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    United Kingdom

Posts: 11,769

Reg: Apr 18th 2010

Children: One gorgeous boy

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Tuesday, January 29th 2013, 5:53pm

Hi Kate, sorry to see how you are feeling but don't worry it is completely normal. I imagine nearly every one of our members have felt that way one time or another. Approaching the 2ww will only heighten your feelings along with your hopes and fears about the weeks ahead.

I hope your EC goes well tomorrow and that you get lots of great eggs.

xx

6 x IVF, 3 x FET
3 x MMC, 3 x :BFN:, 1 x failed thaw
Two gorgeous boys.

Posts: 262

Reg: Apr 27th 2012

Location: Lancashire

Children: One beautiful boy. Centre of our world.

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Tuesday, January 29th 2013, 6:58pm

Dear Kate

I can identify with so much of what you have said. I really feel for you. There are no easy answers in any of this. I wish you the very best for tomorrow (if this is your first EC, I reckon it is the best bit as you get knocked out for a while ;) ). If you get chance, have a look at thefertilemind.net. There are some MP3s that can help you relax - I find them very helpful.

Good luck
Jenny x
One beautiful boy born in 2010 but multiple attempts for a sibling very sadly had to stop.

taxihome

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    United Kingdom

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Tuesday, January 29th 2013, 8:28pm

Hi my lovely.

Firstly heaps of luck for your EC tomoz and may a bouncy baby be the end result for you.

Secondly I think anyone who has had to have TX for a problem that THEY have, will feel a failure. It's natural.
Men feel it if its their issue and we women do if it is ours.
We both have issues, but spent many years thinking it was just me, so I have been there.
it was actually a relief to discover it wasn't just down to me.

Good luck on your journey my lovely.
You are going to have some really odd, strange and frustrating feelings all of which are normal.

Xx

[zx071]
2 x man boys -MC,Ectopic IVF x 4 Natural BFP/Born sleeping 22/WksRIP LO
Jan/11:ICSI:BFP: bab21 [zx115] Our dream has finally come true
MY DIARY

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