Naturally pregnant after infertility and pregnancy losses - nervous wreck!!! - PREGNANT AFTER LOSS/IMMUNOLOGY ISSUES

butterflybee

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Wednesday, August 8th 2012, 9:25am

Naturally pregnant after infertility and pregnancy losses - nervous wreck!!!

Hello fantastic ladies

I am still in complete shock but found out 3 weeks ago that I am pregnant. :dancing:

My DH and I have been trying for a baby for over 3 years and during that time, I have had a large number of tests/ scans & assisted treatments to try and conceieve and sadly we have experienced 2 pregnancy losses (one chemical & one at 8 weeks - following HB at 6 weeks). I have had tests for immune problems and infertility and everything always comes back as unexplained. I recently discovered that I don't have PCOS (as originally diagnosed) and was immediately taken off metformin. I was also on Asprin but with blood clotting tests all ok - I was told to come off that as well.

Shortly after coming off the drugs I started to experience 'perfect' cycles. 28 days long with 3-5 days worth of stretching cervical mucus around ovulation (something I never had). We were on the waiting list for IVF due to start in Sept when I randomly and out of nowhere discovered I was pregnant. :faint:

I am almost 7 weeks. Initially I was bouncing of the walls with excitement but lately as I approach the point of our last miscarriage 7-8 weeks (It was a missed miscarriage so not sure when pregnancy was actually lost) I have started to feel only fear and worry. I am finding it IMPOSSIBLE to relax and to trust that this pregnancy has a greater chance of continuing than not - its the other way round in my head :no:

I am sure that the little bean won't make it.

I am also on pregnany symptom watch like it was my job - constantly off to the loo to feel my boobs and check whether my nipples are sensitive. Today my nipples aren't at all sensitive so I have convinced myself its all over.

I'm in hell instead of in heaven where i should be....

Any advice?

xxxxxxxxx

BUTTERFLYBEE

26/01/14 DS born
10/10/17 DD born

'It'll all be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end.' smile2

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Gracie

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Wednesday, August 8th 2012, 10:04am

Hi

So sorry to read of all you've been through. It's fantastic news for you though so :congrats:

The worry won't leave you I'm afraid but as your pregnancy progresses it will get easier. I am pg naturally after my daughter was born through DEIVF so I kind of appreciate your situation.

My advice would be, pay for a private early scan if you can. I know that won't ease your worries completely after your previous experience but it will help, waiting for 12 weeks will feel like an eternity! Perhaps you could have a couple before the 12 week marker? Maybe even try and swing a couple on the NHS if you speak to your midwife and explain all your worries and previous history and that you are stressed, it's her job to look after you after all!!

Try not to symptom watch, symptoms or lack of them means nothing either way. Everyone is difference has experiences different levels of symptoms. I am in the 'hardly anything at all' camp and lots of ladies sail through with very little in the way of symptoms.

I know it's hard but try and stay up beat and positive, chances are everything will be fine, so many people seem to get pg naturally after IVF, I don't believe it's coincidence any more, something seems to get 'fixed'.

:goodluck:

to you.

xxx

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butterflybee

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Wednesday, August 8th 2012, 10:58am

Thank you for your quick reply Gracie!!! Congratulations to you too!!! :balloons:

Your post has really helped me - I have been umming and arrging about whether or not to get a scan done for fear that it will be the same as last time - but I think I need to for peace of mind - as you say its a very very long wait to 12 weeks! I am extremely grateful to be here at all after everything we have been through but just pray all works out ok. How far into your pregnancy are you? I am relieved to hear you say that symptom watching is a waste of time - i know that deep down but sometimes you just need a reminder!!

Thanks Gracie! :thanx:

xx

BUTTERFLYBEE

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10/10/17 DD born

'It'll all be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end.' smile2

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kat13

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Wednesday, August 8th 2012, 11:05am

Congratulations on your bfp :thumbsup:

I would say the same as Gracie, try and get your midwife to get you an early scan on the nhs just to put your mind at rest. I had no symptoms at the begining of my pregnancy so please dont worry about how many/lack of symptoms, it will drive you insane. Try to enjoy because your little baby will be here before you know it

xxx

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6 weeks early via c section

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flower girl

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Wednesday, August 8th 2012, 11:59am

Hi butterflybee,

I'm not sure that I've got anything useful to say other than I know exactly how you feel. DH and I have been ttc for over two and a half years. The fertility tests showed no problems. We decided to have IVF a year ago but lost the baby at 13 weeks. I then got pregnant naturally earlier this year but had a m/c at five weeks. We had been thinking about having another round of IVF or using some of our snow babies but then, just like you, we discovered I was pregnant naturally (seven weeks yesterday).

It's a massive shock isn't it? And I feel bad for not feeling more positive or happy but I know exactly what you mean when you say you're on symptom watch. I am constantly analysing everything: do I feel as sick and tired as I did yesterday?; why aren't my boobs changing like they did before?; how am I able to stomach more food today?, etc, etc.

I also totally freaked out at five weeks, which was when I had the last m/c. My symptoms changed and I stupidly used one of those Clearblue conception indicator tests to try to monitor the progression of the pregnancy but it didn't give the result I was expecting. I was convinced that I'd miscarried again and so, following the advice of the lovely ladies here, had some bHCG blood tests to check. Amazingly they showed everything was fine and then my symptoms returned too.

However, as the time since these tests increases, so does the feeling of dread that something bad is going to happen. I'm paying for a scan next Monday and am absolutely petrified (scans are how I found out about my previous two m/cs). But I can't wait until 12 weeks - how do people cope with not knowing until then?

So I think what I'm trying to say to you, and I'm afraid it isn't much, is that I understand how you feel and that a couple of extra scans along the way, as suggested by the other FZ ladies, is probably a good thing. And I think that this is just the way it is for people like us who are so painfully aware of what can go wrong. And maybe if I can come to terms with that, then a little of the anxiety will be relieved. But it's so much easier said than done.

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butterflybee

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Wednesday, August 8th 2012, 12:50pm

Kat13 & Flowergirl! Thank you for your replies [zx127]

This website really is such a HUGE support.

Kat13 thank you for your advice and reassurance re: symptoms and I love the thought that I could be holding the baby that's inside me in 9 months... strangely I haven't even thought of that as a possibility so the very thought just gave me a huge lift. :thanx:

Flowergirl - wow. Firstly massive CONGRATULATIONS, you have been on such a long and painful journey (I am so sorry to hear of your losses, I can imagine how devestating that was for you and your DH) and through all of that pain and uncertainty you have kept going and are now pregnant again - really really wonderful.

Its so easy to feel so lonely on this journey and so I feel very reassured to have come in contact with you and realise that I am not. I suppose it is only natural that we should feel all of this anxiety after everything we have been through, after all we can only go by past experiences in life. I guess its a case of day to day..... I really hope it all goes quickly and smoothy for both of us. I wish you all the very very b est for your scan on Monday (I think I will be talking to my GP tomorrow following all of the great advice on here).

Keep in touch if you need the support/to talk/or generally have a melt down - no doubt i'll be doing the same!! Congrats again xxx

xxxx

BUTTERFLYBEE

26/01/14 DS born
10/10/17 DD born

'It'll all be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end.' smile2

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flower girl

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Wednesday, August 8th 2012, 2:08pm

Hi butterflybee,

I'm sorry if my first posting wasn't very positive - I think I was a bit shocked to find someone so similar and I'm quite new to this (or any) forum. You seem much more together than me and you are right about lots of things - it is understandable that we feel this way and we can only take one day at a time. Someone else wise has told me to try to keep busy and distracted, which is good advice because otherwise you could go crazy with all the wondering and waiting.

I hope your GP is helpful and that your scan goes well. Let me know if you want to talk too - hopefully one of us will be feeling positive when the other is in meltdown!

I wish you all the luck in the world. Xxx

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butterflybee

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Wednesday, August 8th 2012, 8:12pm

There will positive hours & negative hours ahead I'm sure - all part of the slowest 5 weeks of our lives

Will definitely keep in touch Flowergirl xxx

BUTTERFLYBEE

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JENSQUI

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Thursday, August 9th 2012, 10:12am

I've been where you are now....thankfully I now have a wonderful 2.5 yr old daughter and am 31 weeks pregnant with my second. Before that I tried for 2 years to conceive and then, when I did conceive, suffered 4 miscarraiages over another 2 year period.

My advice, like the others say, is to get an early scan even if you have to pay for it. Obviously it won;t change the outcome but if it is sad news it might give you a little more information about what is going on which might help in the future.

Throughout your pregnancy you will worry. The way I coped with this was to 'timebox' my thoughts into a 30 minute period each day. So I ouwld allow myself 30 minutes each day to think about the pregnancy and the baby, to talk over my fears with my partner. This stopped it from taking over my every waking thought and sending me into a bundle of nerves for 9 months.

And take heart.....once you get through this pregnancy period and are holding your baby in your arms there is a slight silver lining to having been through infertility. I found that compared to my newfound mum friends who had never had problems conceiving or had not miscarried that I was able to cope with the tough going that the first few months with a newborn can be. Compared to sleepless nights due to sadness of wondering if I would ever be a mum, sleepless nights with a baby seemed like a breeze.

best of luck xxx

me 38, DP 44, ttc since 2005
BFP May 07 - HB seen @ 8 wks but CRL only 7 weeks, m/c @ 9 wks
BFP Jan 08 -m/c @ 11 wks (D&C)
BFP Jun 08 - early loss
BFP Dec 08 - HB & CRL ok @ 8 wks, but sac too small, m/c @ 9 wks
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butterflybee

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Saturday, August 11th 2012, 7:52pm

Sorry for the slow reply Jensqui!

Thought I'd reply now as I'm finding it hard to watch Mo in the 5000m!!! too nerve racking!

Thank you so much for your help Jensqui and reasurrance. I have booked a 7 week scan privately for Tuesday. I am so ridiculously nervous about what we'll find, but I just need to know now what is happening inside. I haven't felt anxiety like it - becoming obsessed with Olympics to take my mind off it - has been a life-saver!! I love your suggestion of having just 30 minutes to think about it. I tried it today but not sure how I did....but will keep doing it - I've also taken a lot of hope in your own story. Miracles do happen and I completely love what you had to say about appreciating your newborn in a different way. I showed my DH all of your stories today and he couldn't believe how many people experience such similar journey's we have felt so alone!!

MO just won!!!!!!! and I started crying.... those pregnancy hormones. Such a long hard race and he made it! All I can hope is my little bean does the same....

xxxx

BUTTERFLYBEE

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10/10/17 DD born

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AminaTahreem

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Sunday, August 12th 2012, 8:30pm

Congratz on your BFP. Really hope it sticks. Xx

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butterflybee

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Tuesday, August 14th 2012, 8:54pm

Thanks Amina!!!

Well I thought I'd update you all. I had the scan today and so far so good. MIRACLE :rainbow:

The fetal pole measured 0.88 which means I'm about 6+6 weeks (4 days less then I thought but she told me it didn't matter and was rarely spot on) The heartbeat was 148 bpm (very strong in her words :weehee : )

and the sound was unbelievable the best in the world. What was really bizzare is that there were 2 empty sacs next to it which means at one point i was carrying triplets. For some reason this worries me.... I hope they won't interfere with the baby and its development,.....

But so far all good. I am still anxious as all of this happened last time (fetal pole and heartbeat) but we went on to miscarry.... so certainly no celebrating but at least we know for now - all is ok.

Thanks so much for your support and advice.

xxxx

BUTTERFLYBEE

26/01/14 DS born
10/10/17 DD born

'It'll all be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end.' smile2

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butterflybee

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Tuesday, October 2nd 2012, 2:34pm

Update

I just wanted to update this post. I often search the web for people in similar situations as me and feel quite frustrated when I don't know how it ended!

So sadly, this didn't end as I hoped. We had 2 early pregnancy scans (6 weeks and 8 weeks) and both were great. Bean was growing well each time and heartbeat was 148bpm & 179 bpm (so very strong). During the 8 week scan the sonographer asked me to cough - I did and we saw our little bean wriggle. It was the most beautiful sight of my life.

Very very sadly though at our 9 week scan (5 days later) the heart had stopped beating and our bean was lifeless.

As before, I had no signs that anything was wrong (bleeding / loss of symptons) and was wretching like mad on the morning of the scan. I had an ERPC done the next day.

It's 5 weeks on now. The pain of losing another pregnancy is begining to shift into acceptance and I'm back on my feet and getting ready to continue on our journey again.

We are going back to St Mary's to meet with Professory Regan for a consultation to discuss the pregnancy tissue analysis results. Although the consultant who performed my ERPC (and works at St. Marys Recurrent Miscarriage Clinic) felt confident (due to my multitude of tests prior to and during the pregnancy) that this loss was down to chromosonal abnormality. So will see.....

xxxx

BUTTERFLYBEE

26/01/14 DS born
10/10/17 DD born

'It'll all be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end.' smile2

This post has been edited 1 times, last edit by "butterflybee" (Oct 2nd 2012, 2:40pm)

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shellebelle

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Tuesday, October 2nd 2012, 2:55pm

So sorry to read your sad news, I hope you get the answers you deserve soon hun..xxxx

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Tuesday, October 2nd 2012, 6:33pm

Im so sorry to read this :cuddle

I hope you get some answers from your tests. In the mean time take the time to grieve and look after yourself xxx

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Tuesday, October 2nd 2012, 6:44pm

I am so sorry to read this sweetie. A huge positive is that your body can get pregnant naturally. Take time to grieve your loss and we'll be watching carefully to see how you get on with future developments. Xxx

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Wannabemum82

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Tuesday, October 2nd 2012, 9:54pm

I'm so, so sorry to read your news. I'm sure it must have been a devastating blow for you and I hope the tests can give you some answers. X

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Wednesday, October 3rd 2012, 2:27pm

So very sorry to read this Butterflybe

I do hope the tests give you answers that you need (((big hugs)))

Xxx

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cleo1981

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Wednesday, October 3rd 2012, 2:57pm

Awh Butterflybe- just wanted to say im sorry after reading this , it never is easy no matter when it happens and i hope you get the answers you so deserve :cuddle

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Wednesday, October 3rd 2012, 2:59pm

I'm so sorry :hugs:

x

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Wednesday, October 3rd 2012, 6:33pm

Sorry to hear this my lovely xx

Jappy

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Sunday, October 7th 2012, 5:51pm

I'm really sorry to read this and hope the hospital will be able to give you some answers. Stay strong

xxx

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butterflybee

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Tuesday, September 10th 2013, 12:20pm

Update Number 2

Hello!

I just wanted to take a moment to update this post for anyone who had been looking at it - as I have said before, I always want to know what happens to be people who I have read posts from on forums...

It is a year on since I suffered our 3rd miscarriage (Aug 2012). I was being seen at St Mary's hospital under Professor Lesley Regan. She advised that (once ready) we get back on the horse (so-to-speak!) and try to get pregnant naturally again. We started trying in January and to my utter amazement (considering the difficulties we have had conceiving in the past) we fell pregnant again for the 4th time in April. I went in to the recurrent miscarriage clinic at 7 weeks for my first scan and we could see a little heart beating. I was then asked to have a TEG test done. This test is done to see how the blood is reacting in pregnancy (whether it is clotting at a faster and more intense level then normal). I have had this test done 3 times at St Mary's (all outside of pregnancy) and my blood was fine, but this time 7 weeks into my pregnancy it showed that my blood was indeed behaving strangely and clotting at a faster rate than usual. At last we had an explanation for why I lost my previous pregnancies. Prof. Regan said all I needed was to take 150mg of baby asprin daily until 34 weeks. It was not necessary for me to take heparin aswell as the intensity of my blood clots was not enough to require this drug on top of the asprin.

We had another scan at 9 weeks, 11 weeks and then 12 weeks - our baby was growing strong.

I am now 21 weeks. I can't believe I am writing that. It has been 4 very long, painful years and I never thought I'd get to this point - but as I tap away little bean is in me (and what a little wriggler he/she is

Our 20 week scan went brilliantly and all is well. 19 weeks to go and counting - I am still nervous (given our history) but feel stronger and more excited every day.

I am very open to anyone who wants to PM me re: St. Mary's, Prof Regan or asprin - happy to share my experiences.

BB xxxxxxx

BUTTERFLYBEE

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10/10/17 DD born

'It'll all be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end.' smile2

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Rene

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Tuesday, September 10th 2013, 12:34pm

Hi, Hun
Congrats on your pregnancy. Glad to read that you are progressing well and looking forward to reading your happy news in 18-20 weeks!

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Tuesday, September 10th 2013, 1:20pm

Congratulations on your pregnancy, what wonderful news! : D

Wishing you a very happy and healthy 18-20 weeks or so!

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Tuesday, September 10th 2013, 2:00pm

Congratulations hun and fantastic that you have updated us.

Certainly gives others hope.xxxx

ICSI 1 Apr 08-m/c 9.5.8
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Star

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Tuesday, September 10th 2013, 3:22pm

Lovely news congratulations and thanks for updating!!! I may go, find and update all my unfinished posts it is so nice of you to give these updates I beleive you are helping many.

xxxxx Rianon

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jenny73

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Tuesday, September 10th 2013, 7:31pm

Dear Butterflybee

Congratulations on your lovely news and thank you for updating - your story gives me hope at a difficult time.

Wishing you all the best.

Jenny x

One beautiful boy born in 2010 but multiple attempts for a sibling very sadly had to stop.

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butterflybee

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Wednesday, September 11th 2013, 10:14am

Thank you so much xxx

BUTTERFLYBEE

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curlywurlyllass

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Wednesday, September 11th 2013, 10:40pm

Congratulations!!
Hope all stays good till January

Ex: 4xICSI = 2x BFP(2x m/c) + 2x BFN
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butterflybee

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Monday, February 3rd 2014, 9:36am

Final update!

Hello

Just wanted to put in my final post. After 4.5 years of trying for a baby, 10 fertility treatments, 3 miscarriages and a lot of tears... Our gorgeous son was born last week. He is perfect and our wildest dreams have come true.

The fear that quietly plagued me for years has quietly departed and an intense and possessive love has grown in its place.

There were many times on our journey when I felt lower than I thought it was possible to feel - but I don't think it ever crossed my mind to give up.

Anyone reading this who is still struggling to either conceive, cope with miscarriage/recurrent miscarriage or manage the anxiety of bring pregnant after losses.... Please don't give up. You are on a path and no one can stay how long the journey is ahead of you but if you keep walking it will come to an end.

"It will all be ok in the end, if its not ok... It's not the end."

Thanks for being there for me on one of the toughest yet most rewarding journey of my life.

Xxxxxx

BUTTERFLYBEE

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10/10/17 DD born

'It'll all be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end.' smile2

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curlywurlyllass

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Monday, February 3rd 2014, 10:47am

Congratulations!!!
So pleased for you bb
I was waiting with everything crossed that your precious bundle would arrive safe xx hhope you are enjoying motherhood and you are recovering well from c section, it took me weeks to feel normal again

Good luck as LO grows up xx

Ex: 4xICSI = 2x BFP(2x m/c) + 2x BFN
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Polly Pocket

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Monday, February 3rd 2014, 11:07am

Congratulations! I am so happy to hear your news!

Welcome to the world little man!

xxx

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butterflybee (16.05.2014)

jenny73

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Location: Lancashire

Children: One beautiful boy. Centre of our world.

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Monday, February 3rd 2014, 11:19am

Dear Butterflybee

Huge congratulations. You must be on cloud nine! Such an inspiring story. Thank you for taking the time to share it.

Enjoy every minute - get a little book and write it all down. It is so lovely to look back on.

Take care xxx

One beautiful boy born in 2010 but multiple attempts for a sibling very sadly had to stop.

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butterflybee (16.05.2014)

Wardie

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Monday, February 3rd 2014, 11:28am

What a wonderfully inspiring story totally over the moon for you :xxx3:

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butterflybee (16.05.2014)

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Monday, February 3rd 2014, 12:22pm

Thank you for this lovely final update & welcome to the world little caterpillar xx

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butterflybee (16.05.2014)

chaz84

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Monday, February 3rd 2014, 3:55pm

Congratulations butterfly. X : D

Quoted

Chaz84

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butterflybee (16.05.2014)

Rico

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OFSTED is over!!! We're good, good, good!

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Monday, February 3rd 2014, 7:16pm

Lovely! Truly lovely :congrats:

My Diary

1 IVF/ICSI failed to fertilise May 10 :bawl:

2: IVF/ICSI October10 (BFN) :sniff:

3: IVF/ICSI Feb 11 - OMG a very cautious :BFP:

Another little soul lost M/C 7 weeks :bawl:

4: Full fresh ICSI/SSR/IVF Feb 12 xfingers

5:

IM Barcelona for DE Oct/Nov 13 - :BFP:

seen many times :loony:

Our miracle is here bab22

30/6/14

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butterflybee (16.05.2014)

Cheree 76

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Children: 1 - this is secondary infertility due to fibroid blocking my right tube

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Gutted - where do we go from here

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Tuesday, February 4th 2014, 8:52am

so very happy for you amazing story lurve

Cheree's - journey to holding my little bundle of joy']MY DIARY[/url]
Me: 38 DF:40 1 DD 17 from previous relationship
TTC 4.5 yeas
Fibroid top right of uterus blocking my right tube
1st IVF cycle Sept/Oct 2013 :BFN:

2nd IVF cycle April/May 2014 :BFN:

3rd FET Dec 2014 :BFN:

Not sure where we go from here going to take a break

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butterflybee (16.05.2014)

butterflybee

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Friday, October 27th 2017, 5:44pm

Final FINAL update

FINAL (FINAL!) Update

So, thought I'd add my final update! So we had our baby boy back in Jan 14 and he is everything we ever dreamed possible - quite literally the light of our lives. My hubby and I finally pressed play on life again and enjoyed every second of it. I was sure I had completed our family and felt ready to let go of dreams of a bigger family - I simply couldn't go through another miscarriage again.

Our son turned 2 and something shifted - I wanted to be pregnant again. The urge was so strong yet combined with an utter fear of the past and re-entering the unknown again. I swolliwed my fears and to our shock I fell pregnant immediately. Great I thought - I can't possibly suffer another miscarriage. But very sadly, I did, at 9 weeks. This time the chromosomal analysis of the tissue (I had an ErPC) revealed an abnormality. I was comforted to know my blood wasn't clotted but devastated by yet another loss.

We put trying for another child to bed. We had our son and felt so happy that moving forward was so much easier this time. But a sadness washed over me and wouldn't go. I couldn't ignore my desire for another child but felt completely terrified at the thought of a 5th miscarriage.

Christmas 2016 I told myself - it could be a few years of pain but at least I tried or a lifetime of 'what if...'. And so we started trying again. To our amazement in Early Feb I discovered I was pregnant, I was overjoyed but also terrified. One evening at 7 weeks pregnant while sat on the sofa I started to bleed. I couldn't believe it and lay in bed sobbing most of the night. We went to a private scan the following morning feeling terrible only to discover a heartbeat!!!

2 weeks ago we gave birth to our darling daughter. We are thrilled and can't believe that in the end we were given everything we ever wanted. A terrible journey that led to a wonderful ending xxxx

BUTTERFLYBEE

26/01/14 DS born
10/10/17 DD born

'It'll all be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end.' smile2

This post has been edited 1 times, last edit by "butterflybee" (Oct 27th 2017, 5:48pm)

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KazzyM (29.10.2017)

cheenab

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41

Friday, October 27th 2017, 7:53pm

I'm so sorry for your losses

but a huge congratulations on your little lady how is her big brother getting on with her?

FET August 2011-1 Blastocyst onboard :BFP:

Zachary William born on 27/4/12 at 10.12am weighing 6lb 12oz
Shock natural BFP 15/3/15 :faint:

Finley Thomas born on 5/11/15 at 9.39am 7lb 14oz
Another shock natural BFP 6/8/16
Teddy George born on 30/3/17 at 4.34pm 7lb 9oz

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butterflybee

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Sunday, October 29th 2017, 12:46am

Thank you so much.

He's doing really well - he struggled initially (so used to being only baby in the house...) but full of kisses now! Xx

BUTTERFLYBEE

26/01/14 DS born
10/10/17 DD born

'It'll all be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end.' smile2

This post has been edited 1 times, last edit by "butterflybee" (Oct 29th 2017, 12:47am)

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Lizelle Young

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43

Wednesday, November 8th 2017, 6:48am

Quoted from "butterflybee"

FINAL (FINAL!) Update

So, thought I'd add my final update! So we had our baby boy back in Jan 14 and he is everything we ever dreamed possible - quite literally the light of our lives. My hubby and I finally pressed play on life again and enjoyed every second of it. I was sure I had completed our family and felt ready to let go of dreams of a bigger family - I simply couldn't go through another miscarriage again.

Our son turned 2 and something shifted - I wanted to be pregnant again. The urge was so strong yet combined with an utter fear of the past and re-entering the unknown again. I swolliwed my fears and to our shock I fell pregnant immediately. Great I thought - I can't possibly suffer another miscarriage. But very sadly, I did, at 9 weeks. This time the chromosomal analysis of the tissue (I had an ErPC) revealed an abnormality. I was comforted to know my blood wasn't clotted but devastated by yet another loss.

We put trying for another child to bed. We had our son and felt so happy that moving forward was so much easier this time. But a sadness washed over me and wouldn't go. I couldn't ignore my desire for another child but felt completely terrified at the thought of a 5th miscarriage.

Christmas 2016 I told myself - it could be a few years of pain but at least I tried or a lifetime of 'what if...'. And so we started trying again. To our amazement in Early Feb I discovered I was pregnant, I was overjoyed but also terrified. One evening at 7 weeks pregnant while sat on the sofa I started to bleed. I couldn't believe it and lay in bed sobbing most of the night. We went to a private scan the following morning feeling terrible only to discover a heartbeat!!!

2 weeks ago we gave birth to our darling daughter. We are thrilled and can't believe that in the end we were given everything we ever wanted. A terrible journey that led to a wonderful ending xxxx